Mariah J.F.

I love costume jewelry so much. I don't think I'll ever have enough.

What happened in the past 12 months?

OK, it's almost time for my pointless fucking birthday. I'm honestly tired of counting the years. But, anyway, I don't know what's happened to me the past year, but I have really gotten ugly. I don't mean this in the typical self-deprecating way, but seriously, my body looks worse than ever and my skin stays broken out. My hair doesn't even look nice anymore & that used to be all I had going for me. I don't know if it's a combination of stress, bad eating habits, and what not or just an overall disgust for my own life. Whatever the case, something needs to change soon or I'm not going to see another birthday and I'm not being dramatic, just honest. 

I love Zack and sometimes I think if I didn't have that validation and genuine affection from him, I wouldn't continue to get out of bed. I don't want to be a codependent cunt, but I need one thing to call mine & be OK with in my life. This relationship is what I have going right now and I appreciate him.

After all my whining...

After years of wanting a partner, I find one. He's kind, good to me, loves me, & you'd think things couldn't be better. WRONG. My family doesn't approve of him because his past is less than attractive. We all have setbacks. We all mess up. For now, I'm not giving up on him. And I really don't think he'll give me a reason to walk away. I'm a reasonable person, I will if I have to, but it feels right to stay right now. He makes me happy. I enjoy him. Things don't have to be deep. We aren't supporting each other, we're just being supportive emotionally. I can't spend my entire life being miserable and trying to please everyone else. I give up on that.

Wow, give me a couple months & I forget about the cutest blog ever. MiniTypePad, aww!

I <3 that TypePad has joined microblogging. ADD generation rejoices.

Sometimes I want to know when I'll die so I can get to partying.

Toxic Libra remains.

I am ever searching for a partner, whether it be actively, pro-actively, lazily, whatever... just searching. My heart escapes logic and is yet again weighed down by the preconceptions of males. These expectations that are neither real nor requested. Are we born with this ideal mate locked away in our mind's eye? Do we build them from clay desires and trinkets collected over the years? An ounce of him and a pinch of her, but too few ingredients to emulsify into a being. This creature is either dormant or dead inside me. Or they are yet to be born. I cannot will such a being into existence. I do not wish to settle for three table spoons of sugar when I could have a whole cup. Then again, I don't want to become comatose from this merging of wonders in two humans that seems so fairy tale in the sense of tales that have been retold by Disney. We all need a little Grimm for reality's sake. Partners doesn't equal two perfectly combined halves, but two wholes that coexist like two atoms that will never collide and explode, but brush against one another and make lovely and frightening sparks. I am tired of living miniature versions of these realities. I need comfort and carelessness, excitement married with anxiety. No zen can occur from air without wind.

Are we inherently afraid of silence or fearful of what will come from its being broken?

Moving is no fun.

On our way south, going home from Indiana.